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i don't know how you feel about me or whether we're on the same page. the thing is- it shouldn't matter. i think all the fun has been sucked out during the past two weeks and one of the repercussions is this illusion that it's something more serious than what it really is. i hate feeling this tinge of disrespect when you don't put the effort to say No but i also berate myself for even caring to that degree.

i realize that this isn't going anywhere but i know that the road's about to come to an end. even then, can't we just enjoy the ride?
11 December 2011 @ 09:26 pm
When I get my own apartment:

I want to...
  - paint my own walls
  - hang up paintings, art pieces, and vinyl clocks
  - i want to experiment more with foods with all the correct ingredients (from salads to thin crust pizzas, soups and pretty desserts)
  - i want a toasted oven, a decent blender, baking pans, and a little grill
  - i want to be able to use candles 
  - my place should always smell nice :]
  - i want to live in a safe, quaint neighborhood with a nice view out of my window 
  - the contents of my bookshelves will hold some of my most prized possessions
  - bean bags and a reading corner
  - have some kind of e-reader for journal articles that have the option to highlight! >:/
  - have a weekly gym routine
  - have an iHome to play music while i stretch and get ready in the morning
  - a good amount of clean towels for the kitchen and bathroom
  - a globe
  - a kitten :]

- I also want to...
  - fly to california to spend weekends with DJ
  - take trains to New York, Davis Square, and Amherst to see my friends
  - host movie marathons, game nights, and study sessions
  - take cooking, yoga, and dance lessons (lyrical, ballroom, or swing)

I'm looking forward to having all of this next year! I hope I get into graduate school, not just for academic advancement but to finally have my safe haven and my comfort zone. I can't wait for DJ or my sisters and family to come fly over and visit me so I can show them the city [Boston or New Haven]. 


In order to have all of the above, I might resort to having to jobs -_- oh well.
Current Mood: excitedexcited
09 November 2011 @ 09:24 am
why do i even have girl best friends? they only come around when they need something from me.

i'm putting my guard up. i'm tired of inconsistency and conditional friendships.
Current Mood: angryangry
in this world there are fiends and liars, pretty faces and ugly souls. i feel like starting over, turning my face toward the sun and detaching myself from whatever is a waste of my time or energy. i've found the person who i want to spend the rest of my life with, brushing my teeth next to and coming home to. i've reconnected with my roots enough that it pulsates in my veins. maturity? maybe. acceptance? more so. realization? most definitely.
30 April 2011 @ 11:37 pm
i can't stress enough how my mom makes me feel so unmotivated. just when i think she's let go of her phobias, she keeps restricting me even more about the stupidest things. i'm 22 years old. i shouldn't even have to blog about these things. it's ridiculous and it's affecting me psychologically. i would like to think that i've grown a tough skin in which deflecting her nagging is a piece of cake. today's just another exception.


as far as jane taking advantage of me. i feel like i've talked so much shit about her but at this point i'm more than ready to tell it to her face. i AM a true friend and for that reason, i have no intention to sugar coat what i have to say. she is scatterbrained and irresponsible. despite the fact that she's a hard worker, she's let herself go mentally dull and she's reached a stage where she constantly lacks common sense. as i've said over a year ago, she's benefitting more from this friendship than i am.

i love helping people and it makes me feel even better to see a successful outcome. however, i absolutely hate feeling as if i'm being taken advantage of. it's even worse when i don't get anything back. i've overcome a lot of my shyness and i have trained myself to become more assertive. my next step is to learn when i need to stop caring. i need to know when to tell myself that it's their turn to fall on their face and i can't always save them from it. fuck fuck fuck lgfkjdsflgjkhsdfg

okay. this made me feel a tad bit better. studying or CR might help remove the edge.
10 December 2009 @ 01:29 am

cheers with severing ties with the ingrate that has many times crossed my path in offense, hurtful feelings and miscommunication. drink to the life that i have where i have been spared from further irritation and wasted breath on a fool like that. i've gained an immense display of love and concern from many others that incidents like these are irrelevant. true, it has brought an end to something that once thrived with meaning and purpose but now, we must only "tip our hats" to such recollections and as Mann said, "walk past it unnoticeable." turning back to roads that have been weathered, let alone broken would be foolish.

i cannot fathom the relief i am experiencing. the weight that has been lifted from both my heart and spirit has not only rejuvenated me but enlightened me. there are companions and there are cowards. cowards that dwell in selfish pits of denied doubt and stubborn beliefs. their narrow mindedness has cost them greatly and it is shameful those costs will remain unnoticed.

respice finem i say. respect the end that has come to be. think fast and pursue elsewhere, where courage, effort and loyalty is still respected. search for these qualities in those who are genuinely kind and welcoming. otherwise,


Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
27 September 2009 @ 12:32 pm
 i feel like my head is going to explode. i'm overwhelmed by so many things and trying to find one other person to vent this out to besides him. 

i'm so stressed out with school. i already feel that i've fallen behind with my studying because the majority of the time i've been trying to spend it with him. some days, 8 weeks seems bearable but then when those heart-wrenching moments trickle in when you're just... idle... when normally i would fill those in by calling him.. . how am i supposed to do that with him gone? i'm failing at finding a balance between my work and getting every ounce of time i can in before he leaves. drifting from my studies isn't like me. getting distracted easily is a weakness but lately it's been way too much. i try to put my mind to other things but there's always something that will remind me of him- down to my pink stapler that he gave me, the notes he left me on my desk or a heart-shaped guitar pick. 

i'm so scared of how i'll be when he goes. i just hope i won't turn into a wreck. i have to move forward and be strong but i can't pretend right now. maybe eventually i'll be okay but if i'm hurting this much already, what more after oct. 13th? i'm so used to him just always being there and even if i don't see him, he'd at least be a phone call away. i know other girls have it worse when their loved one goes out for months and months at a time but ....fdslgkjs;dfg i don't know.

i don't know if spending a lot of time with friends will help me on this one. and secluding myself to my room won't do me any good. so many things i want to do with him but so little time.. 

i need help, badly. 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
06 September 2009 @ 02:24 pm
 i just want to say that i still want to distance myself from you. i'll be civil and give in to casual talk but other than that, i don't want to ever let you near me the way i would have years ago. i'm changing and in the process of bettering myself and having to feel on edge by being your friend is the last thing i want. okay, i'm happy for you but i'm not going to lie to myself and pretend that we can pick up from where we left off. i don't like the person i'd have to be when i'm with you, i feel like i'm not completely myself, as if i always had to prove myself that i wasn't this mechanical, sheltered child that you probably still see me as. i don't want to confide in you anymore because you're too judgmental. sometimes you can be pretty full of yourself and your pride's so high that you won't buy into that fact.

i don't wish anything bad to happen to you or for you to disappear from my life completely but, i just don't want to be near you anymore. i can't emphasize that enough.

20 May 2009 @ 10:23 pm
 hello summer, don't dawdle in the doorway, i'm glad you're here :]

this semester was pretty fun, which is a surprise because usually spring sem is annoying, hot and-

so he got an A- and he's studying abroad in england. 

heh, it's a bit well.. i wish i could have that too... but i know that's not how it should work for me. i will earn that too. 

in the meantime...

i'm leaving for the philippines in exactly 1 week. i'll definitely miss it here and i'm excited to go! but this 'torn' feeling.. i guess i'm a bit anxious to see my parents again. as much as i love them, i'm afraid that they'll feel insecure if they don't know much about me. there's only so much to express in 160 characters of a text message. i hope i don't come across as spoiled or picky. i just wish i knew them as well as my siblings do. it's sad to think of how little i know about there mannerisms, favorite foods, or even my level of surprise when i found out that they actually fight! 

i'll try to make the best of things. i want to show them that i've grown, that i am still intelligent but not mechanical. i also want to get a little closer to her, even though she's not truly my blood sister... i know deep down somewhere, past the sarcasm, witty remarks and the flawless smile, there's someone that i could be friends with. 

speaking of friends... i haven't exactly heard from any of the three but i haven't called either. no judgment at this point, i think it's okay that we're doing our own thing. maybe we'll come back together in the future.

- - - -  - 

note to self: i was was a hell of a lot of mood swings this week- yikes. 

- - - - ---

i wonder if you'll ever take the time to read this heh. well, for the record... despite all my past irritable and disgusted entries about my peeves about you...

i love you with a strength that i have not shown any other. i don't intend to sound like some lovesick poet but in truth, being with you for these 7 years just keeps me wanting for more. i guess i'm so used to being with you and doing everything with you that the thought of you joining the air force hurts so much. i've tried so hard to keep you with school and i kept hoping for you to build motivation for something... and i guess i did get what i asked for... even though your drive is towards this. please understand, my selfishness is only natural- a side effect of being drawn to you. 

"be strong for me and i'll be strong for you."

i hope that i do get into princeton... and that somehow we can still be together in new jersey, but only if God knows that it would be best for us. i know that we can make this work without having to lose ourselves along the way. 

respice finem.

alo iter itineris.
18 May 2009 @ 12:07 am
 you could at least lie and act like you have something planned for us.

i know you're trying to make it work out timewise but i don't want to feel pencilled in. at least not with this week and with me so close to leaving.

the sun doesn't even set at 4. . .. 
Current Mood: sadsad